![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
To see the rest of the insanity go here and read. Be warned...this has some sexual innuendo.
Title: Behind Closed Doors
Author: Saturn
Rating: FR-15
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to anything Buffy, Supernatural, or any other fandoms that may appear in this fic. So that means I am not the copyright holder. No money is being made so please don't sic attack lawyers on me.
Summary: With great power comes great responsibility...in theory.
*******************************
"And on this side of the hall we have the COA gift shop," a man in a crisp suit and horn rimmed glasses said as he gestured to a room with a glass door. Inside the room there were hats, shirts, and all kinds of merchandise printed with the COA logo and nifty phrases like I got turned into a woman and all I got was this stupid t-shirt. The man in the suit was leading a group of young men and women who looked they just walked off of a college campus.
One of the larger guys in a football jersey pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Hey Four Eyes! How much longer is this tour? I'm ready to get some of the tech we saw in the R&D department. Especially that 'Great Slut' thing. I'm gonna go make me some lesbians!"
With a sigh the tour guide stopped. "I know we went over this in R&D. Does anybody remember what the rules regarding lesbians are?"
A scrawny looking boy in a stained D&D shirt raised his hand tentatively. The tour guide nodded in his direction and the boy said. "That their breasts can never be too big?"
"No, the other rule."
"Oh. You mean the one about all lesbians needing to be approved by some group?"
With a little effeminate jump the tour guide smiled and clapped his hands in front of his chest. "That's right." He turned to the big jock looking kid. "I don't know who your sponsor was but..."
The jock quickly interrupted the tour guide. "Sponsor? What are you talking about? I thought this was the group that was supposed to be seeing a radioactive spider or something. What does COA stand for anyway?"
The tour guide looked a little perturbed as he listened to the jock talk. He then pulled a small comm device and spoke quietly into it. "This is Agent 14 we have a code M in front of the gift shop." He put the comm device back into his jacket. He looked up at the jock. "So you are telling me that if we give you the device you saw that you would make every woman into a lesbian?"
The jock nodded. "I give you my 100% guarantee," he said with a big smile.
"Well then. My options are fairly limited right now but rules are rules." Agent 14 reached into his jacket and pulled another piece of tech. he pointed it at the jock and a red beam flashed out of it. When it hit him he froze in place. Agent 14 put the device away and began walking around the remainder of the frightened kids. "Don't worry. None of you are in any danger. I merely froze him for later retrieval. Our large friend here will be a good example for all of you." As he continued walking around the group he suddenly became less harmless or more menacing. "There is no room for error in this job. Lives and even universes hang in the balance in almost every mission. That means that you need to follow the rules. These rules are set down by Mistress Jinni and should be followed to the letter. The mistress doesn't tolerate disobedience. And if you break the rules you don't go to some cushy federal jail. You don't even go to real butt pounding jail."
Just then two men in black uniforms came walking towards the assembled recruits. Agent 14 turned to them. "Gentlemen. We have a code M here. So take this strapping young man away and introduce him to Severus Snape. Snape should at least know who his 'baby's momma' will be," he said with a very disturbing smile.
One of the watching girls gasped and whispered slowly, "M-preg."
The two guards carried the jock down the hall and turned a corner out of sight. The rest of the shocked recruits turned their attention back to Agent 14.
"Now then. Where was I?" He smoothed his suit jacket and seemed to be organizing his thoughts. "Right. I was about to show you the training area. Follow me," he said as he began walking away.
********************************************
In the training area Agent 14 led his charges to a row of doors with clear windows that allowed people to see inside. He stopped in the middle of the room and clapped his hands a few times. "Attention please."
Once everybody stood in a group in front of him he began gesturing to the row of doors. "This is the training area. The training you will get behind these doors is some of the most brutal in the world. Everything from hand to hand combat to making brownies. In the field there's no telling what skill you will need to accomplish a mission." He walked up to the first door and gestured the recruits closer.
As they got close enough to the window in the door they could see what was going on inside. The room on the other side of the window looked like it was larger than it physically had any right to be.
One of the recruits looked confused. "Does that door go outside," she asked.
"No it doesn't my dear," answered Agent 14 with a smile.
There was a small grassy hill with a large stone circle in the middle and a wooded area that seemed to extend to the horizon. The trainees watched as the inside of the circle flashed and seemed to fill with what looked like silver water. As the surface seemed to settle four figures in military clothes stepped out. When they were all clear of the watery surface it disappeared. As they stopped in front of the stone circle some motion drew their attention to the tree line. The recruits followed the direction they were looking and watched a man in a black suit came barreling out of the tree line riding a unicycle. As they watched the military figures started shouting at him with their weapons raised. When the man on the unicycle kept bouncing along at full speed they began firing at him. The recruits watched in awe as the man on the unicycle, who upon closer inspection was juggling herrings, dodged all the incoming fire and without dropping a fish pulled a wand from his belt and hit every one of the military figures with a red beam that seemed to freeze them. And then he stopped the unicycle.
Agent 14 turned back to the recruits. "What you just witnessed was the 'Red Herring' technique. If one of those fish had hit the ground then the mission would have been a failure," he said grimly. He then walked away to another door leaving the recruits standing there with looks of pure confusion on their faces.
When the recruits finally made their way to the next window they saw a large open kitchen area on a stage with rows of seats in front of it. The seats were full of black suited men and women and in the kitchen in front of them was a middle aged woman with short dirty blonde hair. She was talking to the assembled agents and apparently showing them how to make a pumpkin pie from scratch. As the recruits watched through the glass the woman put the pie into the oven and picked up some crochet needles and some yarn. All the while she seemed to be explaining what she was doing and after about 2 minutes she stopped crocheting and held up her creation which was round and appeared to be a pot holder. Without warning the woman threw the needlework disk against one of the studio walls. Upon contact it exploded with a bright flash leaving a good sized hole in the wall.
Agent 14 turned to his recruits again. "What? You didn't really think Martha Stewart was in jail did you?"
After a short walk to one of the other doors the recruits stopped. "This window is all fogged up. How are we supposed to see what's going on in here?" asked the young man in the D&D shirt.
Just as Agent 14 was about to respond they all heard an animalistic growl come from the training room in front of them. The recruits listened closely while Agent 14 merely smiled a knowing smile.
It was a very frustrated cry and was followed by a rather load woman's voice. "We don't have all day for this Sam! You're so close but you're just not making it happen. For the last time...you need to get your head in there deep. You can't hope to succeed if you're afraid of the vagina. It's not going to hurt you. And you might even enjoy it...I sure do." The voice paused for a second. "Now you're getting it, Sam. Get your head into the vagina. Yes! Yes! Now get your tongue working on the clitoris." The voice seemed to be getting more excited as it went on. "We've been at this for hours and I think you might finally reach the next level....orgasm here we come!"
With a final cry of release the voice sighed. "It's about time. Wow. At least Dean got it right away."
Outside the room the recruits had their ears pressed against the door with mixed looks of shock and fluster. Agent 14 cleared his throat and the recruits jumped up guiltily. "What you just witnessed was a training session that was personally conducted by Mistress Jinni. Now then...follow me and we'll visit the next area on our little tour.
As the recruits and their guide turned a corner the window on the door suddenly cleared up as a towel wiped off all the fog. Mistress Jinni peered through the window. "Huh. I thought I heard somebody out here. I wish maintenance would hurry up and get the climate control in here fixed. It's humid as hell."
Mistress Jinni turned back to Sam who was sitting back in a dentist style chair with a large metallic helmet on his head. The helmet was covered with flashing lights and wires and had an acronym stenciled along the side of it that said V.A.G.I.N.A.
Sam's voice could be heard through the helmet as he said, "Who came up with these acronyms anyway. They seem kind of suggestive. People could get the wrong idea if they didn't know about the names."
THE END
Title: Behind Closed Doors
Author: Saturn
Rating: FR-15
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to anything Buffy, Supernatural, or any other fandoms that may appear in this fic. So that means I am not the copyright holder. No money is being made so please don't sic attack lawyers on me.
Summary: With great power comes great responsibility...in theory.
*******************************
"And on this side of the hall we have the COA gift shop," a man in a crisp suit and horn rimmed glasses said as he gestured to a room with a glass door. Inside the room there were hats, shirts, and all kinds of merchandise printed with the COA logo and nifty phrases like I got turned into a woman and all I got was this stupid t-shirt. The man in the suit was leading a group of young men and women who looked they just walked off of a college campus.
One of the larger guys in a football jersey pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Hey Four Eyes! How much longer is this tour? I'm ready to get some of the tech we saw in the R&D department. Especially that 'Great Slut' thing. I'm gonna go make me some lesbians!"
With a sigh the tour guide stopped. "I know we went over this in R&D. Does anybody remember what the rules regarding lesbians are?"
A scrawny looking boy in a stained D&D shirt raised his hand tentatively. The tour guide nodded in his direction and the boy said. "That their breasts can never be too big?"
"No, the other rule."
"Oh. You mean the one about all lesbians needing to be approved by some group?"
With a little effeminate jump the tour guide smiled and clapped his hands in front of his chest. "That's right." He turned to the big jock looking kid. "I don't know who your sponsor was but..."
The jock quickly interrupted the tour guide. "Sponsor? What are you talking about? I thought this was the group that was supposed to be seeing a radioactive spider or something. What does COA stand for anyway?"
The tour guide looked a little perturbed as he listened to the jock talk. He then pulled a small comm device and spoke quietly into it. "This is Agent 14 we have a code M in front of the gift shop." He put the comm device back into his jacket. He looked up at the jock. "So you are telling me that if we give you the device you saw that you would make every woman into a lesbian?"
The jock nodded. "I give you my 100% guarantee," he said with a big smile.
"Well then. My options are fairly limited right now but rules are rules." Agent 14 reached into his jacket and pulled another piece of tech. he pointed it at the jock and a red beam flashed out of it. When it hit him he froze in place. Agent 14 put the device away and began walking around the remainder of the frightened kids. "Don't worry. None of you are in any danger. I merely froze him for later retrieval. Our large friend here will be a good example for all of you." As he continued walking around the group he suddenly became less harmless or more menacing. "There is no room for error in this job. Lives and even universes hang in the balance in almost every mission. That means that you need to follow the rules. These rules are set down by Mistress Jinni and should be followed to the letter. The mistress doesn't tolerate disobedience. And if you break the rules you don't go to some cushy federal jail. You don't even go to real butt pounding jail."
Just then two men in black uniforms came walking towards the assembled recruits. Agent 14 turned to them. "Gentlemen. We have a code M here. So take this strapping young man away and introduce him to Severus Snape. Snape should at least know who his 'baby's momma' will be," he said with a very disturbing smile.
One of the watching girls gasped and whispered slowly, "M-preg."
The two guards carried the jock down the hall and turned a corner out of sight. The rest of the shocked recruits turned their attention back to Agent 14.
"Now then. Where was I?" He smoothed his suit jacket and seemed to be organizing his thoughts. "Right. I was about to show you the training area. Follow me," he said as he began walking away.
********************************************
In the training area Agent 14 led his charges to a row of doors with clear windows that allowed people to see inside. He stopped in the middle of the room and clapped his hands a few times. "Attention please."
Once everybody stood in a group in front of him he began gesturing to the row of doors. "This is the training area. The training you will get behind these doors is some of the most brutal in the world. Everything from hand to hand combat to making brownies. In the field there's no telling what skill you will need to accomplish a mission." He walked up to the first door and gestured the recruits closer.
As they got close enough to the window in the door they could see what was going on inside. The room on the other side of the window looked like it was larger than it physically had any right to be.
One of the recruits looked confused. "Does that door go outside," she asked.
"No it doesn't my dear," answered Agent 14 with a smile.
There was a small grassy hill with a large stone circle in the middle and a wooded area that seemed to extend to the horizon. The trainees watched as the inside of the circle flashed and seemed to fill with what looked like silver water. As the surface seemed to settle four figures in military clothes stepped out. When they were all clear of the watery surface it disappeared. As they stopped in front of the stone circle some motion drew their attention to the tree line. The recruits followed the direction they were looking and watched a man in a black suit came barreling out of the tree line riding a unicycle. As they watched the military figures started shouting at him with their weapons raised. When the man on the unicycle kept bouncing along at full speed they began firing at him. The recruits watched in awe as the man on the unicycle, who upon closer inspection was juggling herrings, dodged all the incoming fire and without dropping a fish pulled a wand from his belt and hit every one of the military figures with a red beam that seemed to freeze them. And then he stopped the unicycle.
Agent 14 turned back to the recruits. "What you just witnessed was the 'Red Herring' technique. If one of those fish had hit the ground then the mission would have been a failure," he said grimly. He then walked away to another door leaving the recruits standing there with looks of pure confusion on their faces.
When the recruits finally made their way to the next window they saw a large open kitchen area on a stage with rows of seats in front of it. The seats were full of black suited men and women and in the kitchen in front of them was a middle aged woman with short dirty blonde hair. She was talking to the assembled agents and apparently showing them how to make a pumpkin pie from scratch. As the recruits watched through the glass the woman put the pie into the oven and picked up some crochet needles and some yarn. All the while she seemed to be explaining what she was doing and after about 2 minutes she stopped crocheting and held up her creation which was round and appeared to be a pot holder. Without warning the woman threw the needlework disk against one of the studio walls. Upon contact it exploded with a bright flash leaving a good sized hole in the wall.
Agent 14 turned to his recruits again. "What? You didn't really think Martha Stewart was in jail did you?"
After a short walk to one of the other doors the recruits stopped. "This window is all fogged up. How are we supposed to see what's going on in here?" asked the young man in the D&D shirt.
Just as Agent 14 was about to respond they all heard an animalistic growl come from the training room in front of them. The recruits listened closely while Agent 14 merely smiled a knowing smile.
It was a very frustrated cry and was followed by a rather load woman's voice. "We don't have all day for this Sam! You're so close but you're just not making it happen. For the last time...you need to get your head in there deep. You can't hope to succeed if you're afraid of the vagina. It's not going to hurt you. And you might even enjoy it...I sure do." The voice paused for a second. "Now you're getting it, Sam. Get your head into the vagina. Yes! Yes! Now get your tongue working on the clitoris." The voice seemed to be getting more excited as it went on. "We've been at this for hours and I think you might finally reach the next level....orgasm here we come!"
With a final cry of release the voice sighed. "It's about time. Wow. At least Dean got it right away."
Outside the room the recruits had their ears pressed against the door with mixed looks of shock and fluster. Agent 14 cleared his throat and the recruits jumped up guiltily. "What you just witnessed was a training session that was personally conducted by Mistress Jinni. Now then...follow me and we'll visit the next area on our little tour.
As the recruits and their guide turned a corner the window on the door suddenly cleared up as a towel wiped off all the fog. Mistress Jinni peered through the window. "Huh. I thought I heard somebody out here. I wish maintenance would hurry up and get the climate control in here fixed. It's humid as hell."
Mistress Jinni turned back to Sam who was sitting back in a dentist style chair with a large metallic helmet on his head. The helmet was covered with flashing lights and wires and had an acronym stenciled along the side of it that said V.A.G.I.N.A.
Sam's voice could be heard through the helmet as he said, "Who came up with these acronyms anyway. They seem kind of suggestive. People could get the wrong idea if they didn't know about the names."
THE END
Tags: